39 groans printed to date. Every one of them survived a public verdict.
“I said I would only check one recipe — Forty minutes later I know a stranger's full life story and still no dinner.”
“I do not procrastinate. I let tasks mature.”
“BIRTHDAY CANDLE BLOWN OUT, WISH IMMEDIATELY SPENT ON PARKING”
“ONLINE ORDER: ARRIVING TODAY / ALSO ONLINE ORDER: DEFINE TODAY”
“NEIGHBOUR STARTS DRILLING AT 8AM SATURDAY / I NOD LIKE WE AGREED ON THIS”
“ME: I WILL START THE HOBBY PROPERLY / THE HOBBY: LIVES IN A CUPBOARD NOW”
“School morning physics”
“On home improvement”
“Self checkout etiquette”
“Waiting rooms bend time”
“The forecast said light showers — The forecast has never carried an umbrella in its life.”
“I packed light for the trip — Then packed a second bag for the version of me who panics.”
“Your refund is being processed, a phrase that has outlived several office plants.”
“Revision Notes Become 40% More Important Once Lost”
“My dog learned a new trick — He waits until the food is on the table before pretending we are strangers.”
“I meal-prepped for the whole week — By Tuesday it had become a hobby I no longer enjoy.”
“Sleep is free, which is exactly how I treat it.”
“My budget is a beautiful document I read after spending the money.”
“I bought a fitness tracker so something would be disappointed in me on schedule.”
“FAMILY GROUP CHAT REACHES 61 MESSAGES, NO PLAN”
“PHONE AT 4% ANNOUNCES IT WILL DECIDE THE REST OF YOUR DAY”
“LOCAL MAN ATTENDS MEETING THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A LIST”
“Self-checkout asks if you brought a bag, as if either of you planned this properly.”
“You scanned a QR code from a stranger. That's how every movie starts.”
“The average person waits 26 minutes for a thing that takes four.”
“Nothing unites a room faster than everyone agreeing the wifi is the problem.”
“"Sure, I'll be there in five minutes." — Has not stood up. Has not found shoes. Has, however, started a new hobby.”
“Me: I'll check my phone for one second / The one second, forty minutes later:”
“Confidence is just being wrong at a volume nobody wants to argue with.”
“A to-do list is a diary of things you have decided to be haunted by.”
“I do my best thinking in the shower, which is a terrible place to keep a career.”
“"I only need one more episode." — Sunrise. Same blanket. New personality. No memory of episodes two through nine.”
“What I look like leaving the house / What the group chat says I look like”
“Somebody is reading this instead of talking to the person next to them. Bold. Correct. But bold.”
“Every group has one person who replies "haha" to genuine emergencies.”
“Adulthood is picking the restaurant, then resenting everyone for letting you.”
“"I'm not tired, I just have my eyes closed." — Snoring. Loudly. In a chair designed by someone who has never sat down.”
“This joke was written by a machine with no sense of humour and a very good filing system.”
“Me at 7am: today I fix my life / Me at 7:04am: reheating yesterday”